I Made Up My Mind

of course there was

the preordained coloring the

whitewashing of the canvas

the producers incessant

focusing and refocusing

of the studio lights

the cascade of rules for

applying the paint the

ever refined technique

for the brush strokes

the primitive bristles

the art school's rigidity

about being too realistic

all the while

the codes and ciphers

the keys to nothing

for everything

receding at the ephemeral

frontiers of the ever

expanding cosmos

and in the end

after the comma and the but

after poking at the rage bait

like a rainbow trout

until i could discern

the hook after a certain

discrimination about the

subjects of my preoccupation

and a long series of

trials and errors selecting

the best shape and tint

and thickness

of the eyeglasses

which i would

eventually abandon

in favor of going with

what my eyes balls

would in their imperfection

show me

under the lids

after all that

it occurred

to me

in a moment

of vulnerability

as i pulled

into the driveway

after leaving

the retirement party

a bit early

that there

was really

no one

and no one

to blame

for the beliefs

about me

to which i was

clinging

i had made

up my mind